ESC Etc.

I’ve written extensively about what went down at UMK last year and I really do feel like I’ve said my peace – the voting system hasn’t changed, so I’m still a bit wary of what might happen once it’s time for people at home to pick up the phone and choose. That said, UMK does remain one of the best, most anticipated national finals of every Eurovision season, and righly so: it’s become the biggest music event in Finland, it routinely sells out the Tampere Nokia Arena in a matter of minutes, and let’s be honest – the music/performances/production are by large phenomenal and incredibly entertaining (remember this?).

So here’s a breakdown of this year’s entries, ranked from last to first. I will say – this line-up is overall much stronger than last year’s, and I ended up adding all but one of these tracks to my playlist. It’s going to be one hell of a show.

7 Goldielocks – Made Of

I can appreciate that there is an audience for this, and it is a quality, well produced track. I am just not part of that audience. Really cool concept for the video, though!

6 Nelli Matula – Hitaammin Hautaan

This is cute and catchy, and Nelli looks adorable. I wish there was more to the production, and I find the ad-libbed refrain that carries the melody a bit grating, but it’s a very radio-friendly song and it gets the job done.

5 Viivi – Aina

This is a great pop ballad, with a soaring climax and a beautiful string arrangement. If it was, say…Molly Sandén singing it, this would be in my Top 3. I just find Viivi’s tone a bit hoarse and hollow, and while she does perform the track competently, she doesn’t quite have the pipes to make it really exciting or bring it home. The lyrics are also so earnest to the point of coming off as a bit cheesy – it’s giving str8 marriage vows. Still, it’s really quite lovely.

4 Costee – Sekaisin

A sad boy pop midtempo, sure…but it is incredibly well produced, and the chorus is catchy as hell. Much like in Viivi’s case, I wish Costee’s vocal was just a bit more expansive or exciting – this is the kind of song that someone like Irama, for example, would turn into a real ass slapper. It would also benefit from a slightly more dynamic composition, giving the last minute in particular a bit of a lift.

3 One Morning Left – Puppy

Of course I love this – it’s noisy and silly and messy with a killer hook and a great EDM line. This might very realistically win, especially seeing what bagged the televote at UMK these past two years, but it really should not, and I think this would get completely lost in a competitive ESC final. That said, it’s very clearly about puppy play. Look at the single cover!

GAY RIGHTS.

1 NEEA RIVER – Nightmares / Erika Vikman – Ich Komme (tie)

I can’t choose, and I don’t want to…so I won’t! These are my two favorite songs of this ESC season so far. I have to say, though, if you want to get a sense of the kind of music that just makes me lose my gay homosexual mind, it is literally everything you’re going to find in Nightmares – pure unhinged Eurodance, a flawless dark EDM production, an insane vocal, and a prolapse-inducing drop, all stuffed into what I truly do consider to be a perfect musical object. In particular, the build-up to the last chrous in between 2:15 and 2:30, with the beat powering back up, those heavenly synths slowly rising, and NEEA riffing and throwing her head back just as the drop kicks in, is one of the most orgasmic things I have ever experienced in my life. And that video? Copy and paste that laser show onto the live performance. PLEASE.

And Ich Komme…well, ESC WINNER ALERT. Yeah, I said it. This can win Eurovision. There really is a sense of unfinished business with Erika since her 2020 UMK second place finish with Cicciolina (a deranged Finnish disco banger about female empowerment dedicated to Hungarian-Italian porn star/politician/all-around icon Ilona Staller aka the Cicciolina in question), and if the stars do align on the night, this will do it. Ich Komme is next level, SS-tier, covered in golden lube super Saiyan Erika Vikman – quite literally a track about nutting (as the title suggests) that fuses disco, trance, rave, and a booming Broadway-style male choir chant carrying the chorus. And! If that’s not enough, the last minute introduces a pulsating EDM beat as the tempo keeps accelerating, making you feel like you’re on the receiving end of the most exhilarating pounding of your life. You have never heard anything like this, you most likely never will again, and you just have to tip your hat off to art and camp when you see it. I can’t wait to experience it on stage.